Gut Check

Haman's daughter stood on the roof watching the parade go by. Seeing a man treated royally, being led on the royal steed by an obviously distraught man, she came to the obvious conclusion. The man on the horse must be her beloved father Haman. The man leading him must be Mordechai. Wanting to demean Mordechai as much as she could see picked up her chamber pot and emptied its contents onto the person leading the horse. She then lifted her eyes and saw that it was her father Haman who had been the target of her waste. Distraught, she fell off the roof and died.

Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev is puzzled by the Talmud's description of her behavior. If she was on the roof why did she lift her eyes in order to see upon whom her bodily wastes had landed. She should have lowered her eyes in order to see who it was!

He explains that whenever someone performs a good deed it lifts up their soul. By contrast, conducting oneself in an improper manner makes ones soul feel lower. A good deed raises ones spiritual state, whereas a bad deed lowers it.

After unintentionally doing the good deed of shaming Haman, her soul reacted by feeling uplifted, hence the eyes (of the soul) looking up. To her this was an unfamiliar feeling, growing up as she had in the house of Haman, and being a child who was ready to dump on Mordechai. Trying to understand this unfamiliar sensation, she discovered what she had really done, and promptly died from the shock of it.

What are we to take away from this story?

I would suggest that oftentimes if we are honest with ourselves and do a gut check, we know whether our actions are truly the will of God, or if they are a manifestation of our self-will. But we need to listen to the internal messages our soul is sending. Are we feeling uplifted, or are we really disgusted with ourselves, or at the very least somewhat uncomfortable.

Our souls know the truth of where we are, we just need to heed its messages.